15 April

Image by ~Liliana via Flickr

I have not forgotten nor abandoned this project. In fact, this project is on my mind every day. What I have reached is another one of my fear blocks called 'Suzanne Second-guessing Herself'. This is where I start thinking, 'Have I made the right decision? Have I chosen the right place? Maybe I should have chosen an easier place to move to, where the real estate is cheaper, the jobs are more plentiful, maybe this place is out of my league.' I then counter this line of thinking with these facts: when I moved to New York I never considered the cost of real estate, although it was/is one of the most expensive places in the States and I was able to find a wonderful place to live. During my last year in New York, in an attempt to be more sensible, I moved from an apartment I loved in Manhattan to a less expensive one in Brooklyn Heights. Needless to say, although my rent was less, I didn't actually save more money, I just spent it in different ways. And when I last moved to Lake Tahoe, I didn't question the cost of real estate and I found a lovely place to live. All of this seems to be evidence that when I follow my heart, things work out, but what if I've lost my mojo? What if this time the force is not with me? There was a time when I was fearless but now I have experienced so many disappointments that I have become crippled by my own fearful projections of failure before an event has even taken place. Just last week, for instance, I was turned down for a job in Denver with a major fund manager. And i was disappointed, despite the fact that I don't want to work in another large urban center, or wear a suit, or have to adhere to a 9 -5 schedule and work in an office. But I was disappointed because at least it offered security. And I suppose I see security as a balm to fear, even if it is less than satisfying.

Segueing back to real estate, right now all I can think of is: how can I afford to buy a house there, even the entry level homes are $500K, at present I could only afford a condo. If I chose a less expensive area (Montana) I would be assured of being able to buy a house right away. Every night I watch House Hunters on HGTV and those $300K McMansions outside of Atlanta or Mobile seem like such a bargain I have to ask myself if I've lost my mind?!

Moving to Lake Tahoe assumes taking a risk that my reach exceeds my grasp. Ah. This uncertainty, this fear, has stopped me in my tracks because I am afraid that I will not make the right decision, or that what I want is not possible. Should I be wise or should I be risky?